Anyway, we went there and I had no idea, because I never prepare very well for our trips. I always go in with an impartial view. The first day, after a kind of state visit by the director of our travel agency, we were taken to all the monuments the capital had to offer. That was compulsory. Our guide, a young guy, made it very clear that he had to do it because otherwise he would get into trouble. I could swear that we were the only people in the entire capital. EVERYTHING was empty. At every monument, we were the only ones, and later when we were sitting in huge marble hotels, we were all alone. In this hotel, there was a band playing in the restaurant. Just for us.

Our guide's English was okay, but could be brushed up a bit. When we went for lunch, I asked him: "What’s the local specialty?" "Well, most Turkmen like green tea, but I prefer black tea." At first I didn't understand. I thought it was strange that tea should be the speciality at lunch. Only later did the penny drop: He thought I was asking about "special tea".

Our guide, who didn’t seem to feel oppressed by the government throughout our trip, told us a little about the country’s government. He said that if he was driving with a friend and was stopped while the friend was smoking a joint, the friend would get 10 years in prison, but he, even though he didn’t smoke, would get 15 years. He should have stopped his friend from smoking, which is even more important than not smoking himself. "Prevention" is of course a nice euphemism for "reporting someone to the police." Straight out of the dictator's handbook.

The tourist highlight, the sightseeing destination of Turkmenistan, the one thing that is in every travel guide, is the gas crater. It’s a large hole in the ground, the bottom of which is on fire non-stop. Our tour guide is surprised by our lack of interest in this oversized gas pit. I could’ve made a cool joke about the gas crater. When the beast was finally visible from our car and our guide said, "Look, there's the gas crater," I said, "My friends also call me the gas creator." We were all laughing and roaring of course.

Turkmenistan is a huge country, and in this huge country there’s a beautiful pink and yellow canyon. Apart from that, there is absolutely nothing to see. All in all: friendly people, good food, but definitely not a travel tip. This has to do with the fact that there’s no nightlife because the president has banned it, along with uncensored internet, beards, make-up, black cars, ballet and car radios. It’s a very safe country though. According to official figures, the annual crime rate is 0.